One tube

So I had my HSG today. Good news, my one attached fallopian tube is open. And, there doesn’t appear to be any sort of cavity in the rudimentary horn. That’s good news and bad news as I think that makes the reason for my pain even more mysterious.

At least it has been better lately. I haven’t had to down any of those lovely percocet pills since June. On a side note, I see why people get hooked on those babies. Not only do I not feel any pain whatsoever, the world becomes this lovely, swimmingly slightly psychodelic place. Yea, I don’t mind that one bit. On another side note,  I recommend not watching the later seasons of Weeds while on narcotic pain meds. It makes that dark humor way too bizzarro. Just saying…

And, the best news yet: now I should be done being the human pin cushion/lab rat. NO MORE TESTS. I just have to wait for the RE to get back from vacation at the beginning of August before I really get the low down on the plan. But I think the plan will be green light to conceive if I decide to. Eeek eeeek eeek.

Adventures at the fertility clinic

So it is time for the next battery of tests. The first one came today starting with bloodwork at the fertility clinic. They were running late, and so I sat for 20 minutes in the lobby. It’s not a very big lobby, so you can hear every word. And I mean every word.

Maybe I am juvenile, but when a man walked up to the front desk and asked loudly, “Where do I go to leave a sample?” I nearly laughed out loud. Luckily his back was to me. Just after that, the receptionist started explaining the process for a “home sample” involving some sort of a kit in great detail. Or, apparently the clinic’s “facility” is very nice.

Then a man walked out to where his partner was waiting. He was trying to look nonchalant, starting at the ceiling, but, well, it seemed pretty obvious he just visited the nice “facility.” I knew he had just dropped off his own sample and, again, I tried not to giggle.

Then comes this older guy with a big soft cooler with biohazard symbols on it. I have to assume that’s a cooler full of sperm, and he knows everyone that works there well. Again, maybe I am juvenile, but how funny of a job is that? Delivering sperm!

Here’s another thing…ever notice that everyone in the lobby seems to avoid eye contact? Or is that just in a smaller city where the danger is very real that you will know someone in the lobby?

I was pondering all of this in an attempt to avoid thinking about myself entirely too much. I really hate to admit it, but I am embarrassed to be there. Embarrassed because I am so jealous of all the women that have the support of a partner. It made me feel so alone. It also made me very aware that I am not entirely comfortable with getting pregnant on my own. Ok, not comfortable at all.

So finally I am called for the blood draw. And I have this thing with needles. Or my body does. See, it likes to send me off to never never land when they enter my body. No different today, except I nearly punch the poor man drawing my blood as I faint. Luckily he had fast reflexes.

A known donor

So I have this guy buddy who used to be my roommate right out of college (a whopping 13 years ago). I’ll call him Mike (not his real name). He and I have always been platonic, and he has always been a good friend. He’s now married with two kids, but he always jokes about me being his second wife. He’s an all-around good guy, and the only male I have talked to about the unicorn and being a choice mom.

So out of the blue he calls me and tells me he would donate his sperm to me. Well, not donate, I would have to pay him $1. I am at once touched and perplexed. Touched that he would do something like that for me, and perplexed about how entirely complex that situation would be. What the hell do you tell your child?

It’s like a bad sitcom episode! Yea, those kids you’ve grown up with are really your siblings…and about Uncle Mike…and no, he and I never had a torrid affair…he had a relationship with a cup and I got knocked up by a woman and a speculum.

I never thought life would get so complicated, lol. Anyone else go the known donor route? If so, how in the world did you handle it?!

Going it alone

I have made progress. A lot of progress, but some days I get very discouraged with everything. I am really trying to not give up hope, but the truth is it feels like it will never be my turn. Ever. I just feel like all my dreams have quietly slipped down the drain, and that at 36 I am just all washed up.

I can’t seem to meet anyone new (that lives here anyway), my finances are in the toilet, and I didn’t get that job I was hoping for. I was really hoping for that job so I could have some financial stability. With that job I would have felt comfortable getting pregnant on my own. I could have supported a child and myself and made it happen.

Maybe all of this just means that I am not meant to be a mother, or have a partner, or even a career to speak of at this point. The thing is I just don’t know what to do when all my dreams are slipping down the drain. I don’t. I keep trying to make change happen, but if it is coming, it’s taking it’s sweet time. And I just don’t know what to build my life on anymore.

Reacting (happily!)

Roses
A shot of some purty roses from my yard

I have been soooo happy lately. I have energy. I had a job interview yesterday that went well. I think they are going to call me in for a second interview. If I get the job, I can seriously think about IUI in the not-so-distant future. I’ll be giving up independence to be working for someone else, but the steady income for baby will be worth it. Fingers crossed!

I hung out with a great guy this weekend, unfortunately he lives 850 miles away in Denver, but it was just so nice to make a connection. Maybe there is hope for me after all in the love department. Fingers crossed here for me as well. Super triple crossed. I keep cyber stalking his Facebook profile just to see his face, lol.

I admit, a lot of my recent happiness is due to therapy. I never thought therapy would make such a difference so fast, but it has. It’s really helping me stop carrying around so much baggage that I never knew I had. My therapist uses a technique called EMDR and it really seems to work for me. What I’ve learned is this: I just got a lot of messages to never react, to not get angry, to not show strong emotions. As a result, I developed a nasty habit of pushing down all of my emotions. I could only do that so much before something small would happen and it would completely upset me. I could only not react so many times with someone before I couldn’t help myself. And then, huge overrecation! Once I realized all this, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, and I just let myself react now. The surprising thing is most of my reactions have been of pure joy. 🙂

And, well, as for my last relationship, I just realize how much he brought out the worst in me. I really wasn’t happy but I thought if I worked harder we could make it work. I was so scared to be alone again. Now that I am alone, I am so much happier than when I was with him. I wish I could travel back in time a year and tell myself this!

Puppy

It is finally summer here, and the weather is beautiful! There’s just something about the sunshine that makes it all better. Of course puppy helps, too. He is just a little bundle of joy. I don’t even know what I would do without him, and it’s only been a week.

The other interesting thing I’ve learned is that everyone talks to you when you have a puppy. It’s pretty amazing!

Been feeling soooo much better!

Puppy!

Puppy
This is Harvey, my new little guy.

Puppy motherhood is a lot of work. It makes me think twice about regular motherhood…my hat is off to all of you, especially to you single moms!

In the meantime, my pain is much better, just waiting on AF for more tests.

I cut off contact with Jon. I miss him terribly, but I don’t think we can be friends, at least for now. My therapist said that the expectation of being friends isn’t necessarily a realistic one. Maybe she’s right, but I have a hard time letting go of people I’m close to. Especially Jon, he was my best friend for a year and a half. Theoretically,  you should be able to be friends with old lovers, but I suppose the reality is that it rarely happens.

I’m just thrilled to have the puppy. He’s a sweetie and a smart little bugger.