Vulnerability and other crap

I know I have been bad about posting. Sorry all!

So here’s where I am in a nutshell:

On having children:
I decided that freezing my eggs would probably be the best thing for me at this point. As most of you know, my finances have not been super rosy. So I call the RE’s office that had seen me for my effing unicorn.

“We’re doing a study on egg freezing,” says the receptionist. My thought: wahoo, someone in Idaho is actually going to start freezing eggs! So at the end of the day, the nurse returns my call. Yes, they are doing a study (wahoo again!), BUT (hate the but) since you have “uterus issues” (her word not mine) I am not eligible. (@#%$^)

They then referred me to John Jain in Santa Monica, and I look at his website. Lots of TV appearances and lots of kudos. Ok, sweet. Then I go to the egg freezing section of the website, and have to pick my jaw up off the floor. $12,750.00. And then I would have to have IVF at about the same cost. Sad panda. Very sad panda.

Was hoping that would be my birthday present to myself: buy a couple of years. But buying a couple of years is out of of the budget for this self-employed chica. Oh why didn’t I pick a higher paying career path?! Damn.

On love:
So I went out on a limb and joined eHarmony. I decided since I was so horrid at picking men I was compatible with, that I would try to axe that part out of the system altogether. See, this way, I can’t choose another pretty asshole with a personality disorder. I can only see men that I am compatible with, so there is no way I will pick someone wrong for me because they are hidden altogether.

However it seems that I am so, um, unique(?!) that I am only compatible with men who are 48 years old, that, well, looks aren’t everything, but, let’s just say that they are all probably huge Star Trek fans. I am not sure how this art freak got matched with some of them, but once I mention Burning Man they pretty much run the other way. So, um, at this rate it looks like I may be stuck buying Costco size battery packs for a long long time.

On everything else:
Yes, I have a giant complex about my freak uterus, about having a horrible love life, and really just feeling pretty alone in general. It just seems like if I weren’t so weird for Idaho, if I were thinner, prettier, smarter, more talented, etc. etc. etc. that I would have what I wanted in life. Lots and lots of worthiness issues. I could go on long enough about kicking my own butt that even my mother wouldn’t read the entire thing if her life depended on it.

This lady makes me feel much better about it. In fact, I am about to go buy her book. I think her message is pretty important for all of us that struggle with the shame of our funky birth defects. Yes, shame. I have it, lots of it. There I said it. Watch this:

http://ted.com/talks/view/id/1042

 

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