Giving up

So all of the tests are back from the RE. They screwed up my appointment in the books, so all I got was a 5 minute phone call to go over the results.

They told me my blood type, A+. Yes, I know.That I am immune to rubella. Yes, I know. That I have one tube. Yes, I know. That I am immune to chickenpox. Yes, I know. I still have scars on my stomach. I have a unicornuate uterus. YES I KNOW.

The RE I had placed such high hopes on completely let me down. No answer as to why I am in pain. The only new news is that my FSH is low and I would need extra fertility drugs if I ever were to get pregnant. Goody. Oh, and that I have approximately one year to decide if I want to have a child. All of that cost me $2k.

I don’t know what to do at this point except to just give up. I have no money to cover the cost of artificial insemination and no guy. It looks like I am one of those lucky ones in life that just isn’t going to get what I want, that I am just one of those failures in life. In every way.

If I was going to end up single and alone forever, I always thought all that blood sweat and tears I put into my career would pay dividends. But some people really just end up not getting what they want in life. I never thought it would be me, but it is. I never thought that I would be debilitated by pain at age 36. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I wouldn’t have a family. I never thought my career would fail utterly as would my finances. I would never wish these things on anyone and can’t help wondering what I have done to deserve this. Where did I go so horribly wrong and what is so wrong with me?

I had a brief repose from pain, but well, it’s back. And, well, no one wants to hear about that, so I think I’m just going to take a break from blogging until something changes. No one wants to hear the same things over and over, and no doctor has any answers or can seem to help me. If you want me, I’ll be bonding with my couch.

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2 thoughts on “Giving up

  1. I’m so sorry. I read your blog but haven’t commented before. I just want to say that you are not a failure and there is not anything wrong with you. And you are not alone. I have felt this way, too. You are in a tough spot, for sure, with many areas of your life up in the air. But the game’s not over yet. Take some time to recoup, and then try to see things as a clean slate and look for opportunity. Please take care of yourself.

  2. That just sucks–I’m so sorry. It’s days like that where the couch is the best place to be–it gives you time to process everything and then sit with it for as long as you want. Please know you are not alone in all of your thoughts. We’ve all been there. Many times. While some days it’s easier to accept and deal with it than others, bottom line is – it’s not fair.
    My advice is, while it seems so dark right now, please don’t give up. Go see a different doctor—keep trying until you find someone that will help you. Keep looking at all your options. I saw a quote on another blog once: “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” You will get through this moment in time. And we’re all here to listen and understand.

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