I remember and I am here

I apologize for not posting for so long. I did do a super quick update on my About Me page. The short version is: my health is amazing, I have evolved so much since I started this blog, and life is good. I am blessed.

However, if you are here, it is likely because you are dealing with an pelvic pain, fertility issues, a mullerian anamoly, or endometriosis, just like I was. I know how disheartening the medical system can be. I remember.

I remember how fatigued I was ALL THE TIME.

I remember spacing my percocet doses as far out as I could in order to function but still have pain relief.

I remember the itching I always got from painkillers, but the pain was worse than the itching.

I remember dreading my period because of the terrible pain and PMS.

I remember how alone I felt.Read More »


Vitex Side Effects

I have had a lot of traffic on my blog from my original vitex post. If you want to see my original post, it is here.

If you read that post, you know that I experienced very severe side effects while taking vitex. I seem to get a lot of hits because other people have experienced this as well, and there isn’t a lot of information out there. I know it has helped some women, but a potential side effect from the herb is severe depression. And I mean scary severe. What concerns me is that this is not listed as a possible side effect. Any website selling this stuff claim vitex is completely safe.

This is from about.com: “Vitex may affect levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. People with Parkinson’s disease, schizophrenia, or any other condition in which dopamine levels are affected should avoid vitex unless under the supervision of a qualified health professional. Vitex may decrease the effectiveness of oral contraceptives or female hormone replacement. It could also theoretically increase the risk of side effects.”Read More »

Vulnerability and other crap

I know I have been bad about posting. Sorry all!

So here’s where I am in a nutshell:

On having children:
I decided that freezing my eggs would probably be the best thing for me at this point. As most of you know, my finances have not been super rosy. So I call the RE’s office that had seen me for my effing unicorn.

“We’re doing a study on egg freezing,” says the receptionist. My thought: wahoo, someone in Idaho is actually going to start freezing eggs! So at the end of the day, the nurse returns my call. Yes, they are doing a study (wahoo again!), BUT (hate the but) since you have “uterus issues” (her word not mine) I am not eligible. (@#%$^)Read More »

Baby Shower

I have one in an hour. It’s for a lovely couple, and they are having it at a winery. I know my dread at attending this is entirely selfish. I don’t begrudge the expecting couple at all, it just reminds me of my own solitary existence. I wish I could register for an inpregnation fund like most people register for their wedding.

Ok, putting on the brave face and hoping I don’t burst into tears at this thing.

Magic Wand


I haven’t posting. Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn’t.

I have read so many of your stories, and my heart aches for all of you. And, I am happy for your adoptions and births. I am. It gives me hope. But, selfishly, reading everyone else’s posts make me feel sad as well. Most of you are married, I am not. Most of you have the funds to conceive one way or the other—either on your own or with your husband/partner. I do not. At least not for now.Read More »

Giving up

So all of the tests are back from the RE. They screwed up my appointment in the books, so all I got was a 5 minute phone call to go over the results.

They told me my blood type, A+. Yes, I know.That I am immune to rubella. Yes, I know. That I have one tube. Yes, I know. That I am immune to chickenpox. Yes, I know. I still have scars on my stomach. I have a unicornuate uterus. YES I KNOW.

The RE I had placed such high hopes on completely let me down. No answer as to why I am in pain. The only new news is that my FSH is low and I would need extra fertility drugs if I ever were to get pregnant. Goody. Oh, and that I have approximately one year to decide if I want to have a child. All of that cost me $2k.

I don’t know what to do at this point except to just give up. I have no money to cover the cost of artificial insemination and no guy. It looks like I am one of those lucky ones in life that just isn’t going to get what I want, that I am just one of those failures in life. In every way.

If I was going to end up single and alone forever, I always thought all that blood sweat and tears I put into my career would pay dividends. But some people really just end up not getting what they want in life. I never thought it would be me, but it is. I never thought that I would be debilitated by pain at age 36. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I wouldn’t have a family. I never thought my career would fail utterly as would my finances. I would never wish these things on anyone and can’t help wondering what I have done to deserve this. Where did I go so horribly wrong and what is so wrong with me?

I had a brief repose from pain, but well, it’s back. And, well, no one wants to hear about that, so I think I’m just going to take a break from blogging until something changes. No one wants to hear the same things over and over, and no doctor has any answers or can seem to help me. If you want me, I’ll be bonding with my couch.