Vulnerability and other crap

I know I have been bad about posting. Sorry all!

So here’s where I am in a nutshell:

On having children:
I decided that freezing my eggs would probably be the best thing for me at this point. As most of you know, my finances have not been super rosy. So I call the RE’s office that had seen me for my effing unicorn.

“We’re doing a study on egg freezing,” says the receptionist. My thought: wahoo, someone in Idaho is actually going to start freezing eggs! So at the end of the day, the nurse returns my call. Yes, they are doing a study (wahoo again!), BUT (hate the but) since you have “uterus issues” (her word not mine) I am not eligible. (@#%$^)

They then referred me to John Jain in Santa Monica, and I look at his website. Lots of TV appearances and lots of kudos. Ok, sweet. Then I go to the egg freezing section of the website, and have to pick my jaw up off the floor. $12,750.00. And then I would have to have IVF at about the same cost. Sad panda. Very sad panda.

Was hoping that would be my birthday present to myself: buy a couple of years. But buying a couple of years is out of of the budget for this self-employed chica. Oh why didn’t I pick a higher paying career path?! Damn.

On love:
So I went out on a limb and joined eHarmony. I decided since I was so horrid at picking men I was compatible with, that I would try to axe that part out of the system altogether. See, this way, I can’t choose another pretty asshole with a personality disorder. I can only see men that I am compatible with, so there is no way I will pick someone wrong for me because they are hidden altogether.

However it seems that I am so, um, unique(?!) that I am only compatible with men who are 48 years old, that, well, looks aren’t everything, but, let’s just say that they are all probably huge Star Trek fans. I am not sure how this art freak got matched with some of them, but once I mention Burning Man they pretty much run the other way. So, um, at this rate it looks like I may be stuck buying Costco size battery packs for a long long time.

On everything else:
Yes, I have a giant complex about my freak uterus, about having a horrible love life, and really just feeling pretty alone in general. It just seems like if I weren’t so weird for Idaho, if I were thinner, prettier, smarter, more talented, etc. etc. etc. that I would have what I wanted in life. Lots and lots of worthiness issues. I could go on long enough about kicking my own butt that even my mother wouldn’t read the entire thing if her life depended on it.

This lady makes me feel much better about it. In fact, I am about to go buy her book. I think her message is pretty important for all of us that struggle with the shame of our funky birth defects. Yes, shame. I have it, lots of it. There I said it. Watch this:

 

Baby Shower

I have one in an hour. It’s for a lovely couple, and they are having it at a winery. I know my dread at attending this is entirely selfish. I don’t begrudge the expecting couple at all, it just reminds me of my own solitary existence. I wish I could register for an inpregnation fund like most people register for their wedding.

Ok, putting on the brave face and hoping I don’t burst into tears at this thing.

Wishes

I haven’t posting. Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn’t.

I have read so many of your stories, and my heart aches for all of you. And, I am happy for your adoptions and births. I am. It gives me hope. But, selfishly, reading everyone else’s posts make me feel sad as well. Most of you are married, I am not. Most of you have the funds to conceive one way or the other—either on your own or with your husband/partner. I do not. At least not for now.

I just needed a break. The plain truth is, the more I focus on my unicorn, the more I feel stuck. And, when the RE told me I had a year to have a baby or not, it was heartbreaking. I still tear up every time I think of it. I put on a brave face, but it just seems so daunting to have that looming deadline. Now I have months to to somehow come up with $20k or find Mr. Wonderful who would be willing to conceive, oh, immediately.

So I am somewhat of an anomoly in the IF world even though I have an anomoly myself. I am hoping for a miracle this year. That either my Prince Charming will appear (no more Prince Harmings, universe, please) or that my finances will take a turn for the better so I can just TTC on my own.

Come on world, please please please throw me a rope, a job, a guy, a winning lotto ticket, anything. I don’t know how many more baby showers, weddings, and engagement parties I can take without some happy news of my own.

What a long strange journey it’s been

The beautiful temple at Burning Man

So if anyone is still reading this, I haven’t posted for about a month and a half. I just had to take the focus somewhere else for a while. And, well, it’s been a crazy month to say the least. The shortened version of August/September is essentially this:

1. August was spent prepping for Burning Man (happy busy!)
2. Just before leaving for Burning Man I snooped around on Facebook and discovered that my ex was in a new relationship. Initial reaction: ouch, but I had moved on at that point so not a huge deal.
3. I snooped some more on his new girlfriend’s page. And, had a major OMG moment when I realized she had posted pictures with Jon the day before I went into surgery this spring. When I had surgery he told me this story about how his uncle needed help moving and really needed him there. I realized in that moment it was all a lie. This woman was here staying with him while I really needed support.
4. Complete and total rage at what a rat bastard lying cheating SOB he was. Realized that this relationship was going on at the same time as ours, and even when he ended he told me there was no one else. Lies, lies, lies and more lies he told me.
5. Went to Burning Man, still pissed as hell at him, but that is an amazing place to deal with emotion. I cried my eyes out at the temple for about 3 hours. That helped immensely, and then of course the water works started again as I watched it burn.
6. I came home, and the whole thing was still bugging me to death. So, for better or for worse, I took action. I contacted his new girlfriend and told her everything. Of course he lied to her as well. He asked us both to move to Oregon. He told us both that he loved us, he was sleeping with both of us, and lying through his teeth. Who does that?
7. Girlfriend basically thinks things over, doesn’t believe me, believes Jon’s bullshit story that I was nothing more than a friend with benefits.
8. I realized that Jon is a dirtbag rat bastard with absolutely no soul. Then I realized he is that, but also seriously messed up in the head. He apparently is so terrified of being alone that he will manipulate, lie, cheat, and tell me that he will support me in having a baby, all while carrying on a relationship with another women. Thank god I didn’t move for him. Still mad that I wasted a year and half on a total and complete douchebag. (No there are no names too low for this one.)
9. He is also an alcoholic working as a councilor while drinking again. So I turned him in for that as well. He seriously needs to be stopped.
10. Funny thing, my body stopped hurting after I found all this out. It knew before I consciously knew all this myself apparently. Too bad I didn’t figure out what it was telling me before I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on doctors.

So, er, that’s it in a nutshell. The sheer volume of lies that he told me baffles me. He is a world class actor, and a world class liar. At least I will rest well knowing that I did everything in my power to stop him from using, manipulating, and hurting anyone else. I almost feel like I was in a movie, or a nightmare. So bizarre.

A psychologist told me that her off the cuff diagnosis is antisocial personality disorder. It’s the disorder that criminals have. He definitely has some sort of disorder, normal people just don’t act without remorse or care for anyone else.

Giving up

So all of the tests are back from the RE. They screwed up my appointment in the books, so all I got was a 5 minute phone call to go over the results.

They told me my blood type, A+. Yes, I know.That I am immune to rubella. Yes, I know. That I have one tube. Yes, I know. That I am immune to chickenpox. Yes, I know. I still have scars on my stomach. I have a unicornuate uterus. YES I KNOW.

The RE I had placed such high hopes on completely let me down. No answer as to why I am in pain. The only new news is that my FSH is low and I would need extra fertility drugs if I ever were to get pregnant. Goody. Oh, and that I have approximately one year to decide if I want to have a child. All of that cost me $2k.

I don’t know what to do at this point except to just give up. I have no money to cover the cost of artificial insemination and no guy. It looks like I am one of those lucky ones in life that just isn’t going to get what I want, that I am just one of those failures in life. In every way.

If I was going to end up single and alone forever, I always thought all that blood sweat and tears I put into my career would pay dividends. But some people really just end up not getting what they want in life. I never thought it would be me, but it is. I never thought that I would be debilitated by pain at age 36. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I wouldn’t have a family. I never thought my career would fail utterly as would my finances. I would never wish these things on anyone and can’t help wondering what I have done to deserve this. Where did I go so horribly wrong and what is so wrong with me?

I had a brief repose from pain, but well, it’s back. And, well, no one wants to hear about that, so I think I’m just going to take a break from blogging until something changes. No one wants to hear the same things over and over, and no doctor has any answers or can seem to help me. If you want me, I’ll be bonding with my couch.

One tube

So I had my HSG today. Good news, my one attached fallopian tube is open. And, there doesn’t appear to be any sort of cavity in the rudimentary horn. That’s good news and bad news as I think that makes the reason for my pain even more mysterious.

At least it has been better lately. I haven’t had to down any of those lovely percocet pills since June. On a side note, I see why people get hooked on those babies. Not only do I not feel any pain whatsoever, the world becomes this lovely, swimmingly slightly psychodelic place. Yea, I don’t mind that one bit. On another side note,  I recommend not watching the later seasons of Weeds while on narcotic pain meds. It makes that dark humor way too bizzarro. Just saying…

And, the best news yet: now I should be done being the human pin cushion/lab rat. NO MORE TESTS. I just have to wait for the RE to get back from vacation at the beginning of August before I really get the low down on the plan. But I think the plan will be green light to conceive if I decide to. Eeek eeeek eeek.

Adventures at the fertility clinic

So it is time for the next battery of tests. The first one came today starting with bloodwork at the fertility clinic. They were running late, and so I sat for 20 minutes in the lobby. It’s not a very big lobby, so you can hear every word. And I mean every word.

Maybe I am juvenile, but when a man walked up to the front desk and asked loudly, “Where do I go to leave a sample?” I nearly laughed out loud. Luckily his back was to me. Just after that, the receptionist started explaining the process for a “home sample” involving some sort of a kit in great detail. Or, apparently the clinic’s “facility” is very nice.

Then a man walked out to where his partner was waiting. He was trying to look nonchalant, starting at the ceiling, but, well, it seemed pretty obvious he just visited the nice “facility.” I knew he had just dropped off his own sample and, again, I tried not to giggle.

Then comes this older guy with a big soft cooler with biohazard symbols on it. I have to assume that’s a cooler full of sperm, and he knows everyone that works there well. Again, maybe I am juvenile, but how funny of a job is that? Delivering sperm!

Here’s another thing…ever notice that everyone in the lobby seems to avoid eye contact? Or is that just in a smaller city where the danger is very real that you will know someone in the lobby?

I was pondering all of this in an attempt to avoid thinking about myself entirely too much. I really hate to admit it, but I am embarrassed to be there. Embarrassed because I am so jealous of all the women that have the support of a partner. It made me feel so alone. It also made me very aware that I am not entirely comfortable with getting pregnant on my own. Ok, not comfortable at all.

So finally I am called for the blood draw. And I have this thing with needles. Or my body does. See, it likes to send me off to never never land when they enter my body. No different today, except I nearly punch the poor man drawing my blood as I faint. Luckily he had fast reflexes.

A known donor

So I have this guy buddy who used to be my roommate right out of college (a whopping 13 years ago). I’ll call him Mike (not his real name). He and I have always been platonic, and he has always been a good friend. He’s now married with two kids, but he always jokes about me being his second wife. He’s an all-around good guy, and the only male I have talked to about the unicorn and being a choice mom.

So out of the blue he calls me and tells me he would donate his sperm to me. Well, not donate, I would have to pay him $1. I am at once touched and perplexed. Touched that he would do something like that for me, and perplexed about how entirely complex that situation would be. What the hell do you tell your child?

It’s like a bad sitcom episode! Yea, those kids you’ve grown up with are really your siblings…and about Uncle Mike…and no, he and I never had a torrid affair…he had a relationship with a cup and I got knocked up by a woman and a speculum.

I never thought life would get so complicated, lol. Anyone else go the known donor route? If so, how in the world did you handle it?!

Going it alone

I have made progress. A lot of progress, but some days I get very discouraged with everything. I am really trying to not give up hope, but the truth is it feels like it will never be my turn. Ever. I just feel like all my dreams have quietly slipped down the drain, and that at 36 I am just all washed up.

I can’t seem to meet anyone new (that lives here anyway), my finances are in the toilet, and I didn’t get that job I was hoping for. I was really hoping for that job so I could have some financial stability. With that job I would have felt comfortable getting pregnant on my own. I could have supported a child and myself and made it happen.

Maybe all of this just means that I am not meant to be a mother, or have a partner, or even a career to speak of at this point. The thing is I just don’t know what to do when all my dreams are slipping down the drain. I don’t. I keep trying to make change happen, but if it is coming, it’s taking it’s sweet time. And I just don’t know what to build my life on anymore.

Reacting (happily!)

A shot of some purty roses from my yard

I have been soooo happy lately. I have energy. I had a job interview yesterday that went well. I think they are going to call me in for a second interview. If I get the job, I can seriously think about IUI in the not-so-distant future. I’ll be giving up independence to be working for someone else, but the steady income for baby will be worth it. Fingers crossed!

I hung out with a great guy this weekend, unfortunately he lives 850 miles away in Denver, but it was just so nice to make a connection. Maybe there is hope for me after all in the love department. Fingers crossed here for me as well. Super triple crossed. I keep cyber stalking his Facebook profile just to see his face, lol.

I admit, a lot of my recent happiness is due to therapy. I never thought therapy would make such a difference so fast, but it has. It’s really helping me stop carrying around so much baggage that I never knew I had. My therapist uses a technique called EMDR and it really seems to work for me. What I’ve learned is this: I just got a lot of messages to never react, to not get angry, to not show strong emotions. As a result, I developed a nasty habit of pushing down all of my emotions. I could only do that so much before something small would happen and it would completely upset me. I could only not react so many times with someone before I couldn’t help myself. And then, huge overrecation! Once I realized all this, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, and I just let myself react now. The surprising thing is most of my reactions have been of pure joy.

And, well, as for my last relationship, I just realize how much he brought out the worst in me. I really wasn’t happy but I thought if I worked harder we could make it work. I was so scared to be alone again. Now that I am alone, I am so much happier than when I was with him. I wish I could travel back in time a year and tell myself this!